I always tell myself that one day when I wake up, everything will be perfectly fine. But I end up spending hours lying awake in my bed. Thinking about the past, what-ifs running through my mind and the things i should have done and not have done that might not have caused me pain. From the week after my breakdown, I grew from bad to worse.
Before, I can see the fire burning in my eyes as i look at myself at the mirror.
the vehement passion in music flows in my veins.
But now, it all died. Maybe because I lost my inspiration. I lost HIM.
Or maybe I'm just thinking too much that I need to breath some fresh
air or give myself a break.
I am more than willing to accept him AGAIN and forget his infidelity. Maybe I should stop telling myself I hate him because it gives me a more intense feeling for him. Thus, loving him more.
His silence pains me more that I can bear. I am only aware now that I've displeased him and he displeased me too. I know nobody was ever gifted by God with perfection; otherwise, he shouldn't had done so.
I thought I could make it. I was thinking that without him, my dreams would just be the same, that I would just be the same. But I was wrong. His departure caused ma a bitter suffering. But the worst thing was that he left without knowing that HE is everything to me.
Since then, agony has wrenched me. The thought that we were meant for each other drove me to smile less and less.
I patiently wait to hear the words he'll never say. I am WAITING IN VAIN or maybe waiting for NOTHING.
The telephone doesn't ring anymore. I've been waiting like forever but it remains
silent. Won't he let it ring again?
As I recall the happy moments we had together, I couldn't help but cry and laugh at the same time. Then, when I tried to wipe the tears with my handkerchief (which he gave me), more tears came out.
There is not a scintilla of doubt that he is everything to me - my hope, my inspiration, my music, my life. I am not sure if this will change what he think and feel towards me. But there is one thing I'm sure of - I LOVE HIM.
Just let me tell this to him for I can no longer bear it. I hope he would not chide me if I find now in desperation the courage to tell him what I feel through this post. If I were to say this personally, these words would just choke in my throat. I can't stifle my heart for its every throb is a cry calling for him. For him to know and understand and feel the same way I do. I love him. Ah, fatal words. I wish he'd let the gentleness of his heart lend me hope that will sustain my breath.
Maybe, just maybe. There's no more love left for me in his heart. If that is so, he will still continue to haunt me and make my nights restless her in my gloomy dungeon.
Forgive me Brean, if I can no longer restrain my feelings. Won't you ever give US another chance? Or there is no more US? You are my weakness. It is you who brought this to me. I am weak and helpless before you. I give you my heart, to kill or to keep.
* Too dramatic? Yeah, right. This feeling will just pass away. And someday, I'll almost cry from laughing about this stupidity 'cause I am still young. My brain was almost empty when I finished that post. He did not even read it. Did not even viewed my profile in friendster. I made a post about it to remind me I shouldn't do foolish things for the sake of so-called-love. I think I am stupid for making that post. And I hate myself for it.*
Labels: stupidity